I
think it was General Sherman who once wrote…”War is Hell.” Please
excuse me for saying that I disagree with his statement. I think
the Christmas season ranks right up there with war. War seems to
be focused on only one objective, which is to win. The Christmas
season seems to be focused on absolutely nothing in particular.
Why we subject ourselves to this annual exercise in torture is
beyond me. I’ll give you several examples of what I’m talking
about and see if you don’t agree. We went to a Christmas party the
other night, very nice…..place was decorated, food was good, and a
good time was had by all right? Wrong.
People have this tired and haggard look about
this even this early in the month. It’s almost as if they are
dreading what is about to happen. The big subjects of discussion
were generally revolving around things like…”I don’t know what to
get (fill in the blank) or “ I have to get up at 4 in the morning
to get to the sale on time.” An ever-popular topic of discussion
is always …”How am I going to get those lights up again this
year?” Christmas lights are not exactly at the top of my list of
things I like to do. In fact, they are right down at the bottom.
We live in a two-story house with a large porch and foundation.
The top of the house is about 50 feet from the ground. Now I read
the other day that a falling body reaches maximum velocity after
only 33 feet. For the folks that don’t know, this is the maximum
speed at which your body can travel once it has been unattached to
some object. So, think about this…. if you fall from a roof that
is over 33 feet tall you will hit the ground at the same speed as
if you fell from some airplane at 20,000 feet. This doesn’t sound
right to me, but I’m not a scientist and for sure don’t want to
try to prove the validity of this theory out for myself. I’ll take
their word for it. I am not about to climb a ladder and stand on
top of my roof just to hang some lights up in an expression of
seasons greetings. To me this is equal to me standing on the wing
of a 747 flying cross-country with me trying to decorate the
outside of the plane with tinsel and icicles. Not going to happen.
Last year I hired a guy to chance it and hang
those lights in high places. He did a great job and I would have
used him again this year, but he stole my truck and violated his
probation and is now back in the slammer. Sorry about that since
he did a really good job except for the stolen truck part.
Personally I tend to think that the masochists really are behind
this time of the year. Who else would enjoy standing in a line at
the post office for an hour and a half only to have the clerk go
on his or her break just as you got to the head of the line?
Where else can you witness grown men sitting
on the curb crying because they’ve been inside the place for
several hours and selected the line where the person in front of
you wants to buy money orders for 15 people in Afghanistan? So,
then he switches to another line and gets behind some lady who
wants to review all of the “Seasons Greetings” stamps that have
ever been issued since the post office went into existence in 1789
or thereabouts. All he wanted to do was buy some stamps and go on
back to work. Now, he’s 3 hours behind schedule and a nervous
wreck, hungry since he missed his lunch and looking for a Prozac
dispenser so he can get himself together and just make it back to
his office. Hostile takeovers are a piece of cake compared to the
post office in December. It gives new meaning to that old song…
”Oh, there’s no place like home for the
holidays.” Well, onward and upward. This time next month it’ll all
be over. Comments go to www.pearyperry.com.
