I
get a lot of junk e-mails each and every day. It seems some folks have
nothing to do but surf the net and send me jokes or something dumb.
However, every once in a while, I’ll get something really funny that I
just can’t resist passing along. This is one of those. I have no idea
who this came from, but it is so true and I can only wish I’d written it
myself.
Every male on the planet knows about
"The Look." It begins in early
childhood when the misbehaving man transgresses a known or unknown law
and receives, from his mother, "The Look." He will receive The
Look from
hundreds, perhaps thousands, of females over his lifetime and will always
be terrified and shaken by the
experience. However, women are familiar with a maddening expression that
males have
developed to a fine art over the years. Women have "The Look."
Men have "The
Blank Stare." All women have seen this expression through the years,
especially when males feel they are put on the spot. "Honey, does
this dress
make me look fat?" she says sweetly. She is met by The Blank Stare.
Two young lovers are sharing an intimate moment away from the crowds under
the privacy of the stars. "I love you," he whispers. "How
much do you love
me?" she inquires. Says he, "I would cross oceans for you, scale
the highest
mountain, fight off ravening hoards of barbarians for you, my love."
Innocently she asks, "Do you love me enough to marry me?" Blank
Stare.
The Blank Stare begins early in life, even before the man’s earliest
memory.
Two principles are learned early on. Principle Number One: "It is bad
to
lie." Principle Number two: "Sometimes if you tell the truth,
pain follows."
For example, Johnny, only three years old, opens the door to the fridge
and
tries to pull out the gallon of milk. The milk is way too heavy, but he is
thirsty, and besides Mom is upstairs in the bedroom. He knows better than
to
do this because he has gotten into trouble before. Yet, because males are
afflicted with a terminal condition called "testosterone
poisoning" they do
dumb things. The milk drops to the floor with a crash, the plastic
container
ruptures, and an explosion of milk covers Johnny and the kitchen floor.
Hearing the crash, Mom rushes to the kitchen where Johnny is standing,
eyes
innocent, dripping with milk. "What happened in here?" she
screams.
Principle Number One begins to kick in: "Do not lie." However,
Principle Number two also comes into play: "If you tell the truth,
you will get a huge spanking." Faced with this tension of truth
versus pain,
little Johnny looks at mommy in silence and blinks.
The Blank Stare is born.
It doesn’t work, of course, and never will because women inflict the pain
anyway. But because males are males, they continue to react in the same
old
ways whether the techniques work or not. Johnny knows that mommy knows.
Johnny knows that he will probably be punished. Yet, because he doesn’t
want
to lie and because he hopes, against hope, that some how he can get out of
this mess … he stares.
It should be said, however, that the blank stare is only offered to women.
If a man challenges another man-"Hey, who left this mess in
here?"- The
testosterone afflicted male issues his own challenge "Yeah? Who wants
to
know?" Arguments begin, words are exchanged, and fists may fly. But
the
Blank Stare is never given to another male. Well, maybe to a male in
ultimate authority like a police officer or a father… but most males
just
either tell the truth or lie under those circumstances. If a man says to
another male (which he would never do), "Does this swim suit make me
look
fat?" the reply likely will be, "Why no, Porky, why do you
ask?" Imagine
saying that to a woman. Pain would follow for sure.
Sometimes the Blank Stare is modified. First of all, one has to realize
that
the purpose of the Blank Stare is to avoid unpleasantness. Another
motivation of
the Blank Stare is to buy time to try to think up an excuse that is not
actually a lie. Hence a few modifications: "Honey," she says,
after asking
an answerable question, "did you hear me?" "Drat," he
thinks, "the blank
stare isn’t working." "Um, I’m sorry dear, were you saying
something?" Now
she has to repeat the question she originally asked. The hapless man has
just bought an extra thirty seconds. It won’t work, of course, it never
does. "I’m sorry dear, my mind was somewhere else, would you mind
repeating
that?" Whatever tactic employed, it only delays the pain.
Women are smart. Men need to own up to that little fact. If she asks the
"do-I-look-fat-in-this" question and we don’t reply, she knows
the answer
is, "Does Moby Dick sleep in the sea?"
If we were smart, we would just tell the truth and take our punishment. Or
if we were devious, we would just lie and then take our punishment because
the female always knows when the male is lying. But because we are noble
and
caring (though suffering from testosterone poisoning) we try not to lie
and
we try to spare feelings. You see, the Blank Stare is actually the highest
form of caring for the female. It is a sign of the latent goodness and
honorableness of the man.
The blank stare is really a compliment to the relationship that we share
with the female and a way of offering respect and dignity. Women should
understand what we are trying to do, appreciate the sincere efforts we are
making, and just quietly back off and accept our stare as a positive
affirmation of them.
And if you believe that, you must be a man. That’s it for this week…..Send your kind and
caring comments to me at www.pearyperry.com
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