Over
the history of time there has been any number of people who might classify
as risk takers. Names like Columbus, Napoleon, Lindberg, Madam Curie and
such come to mind. These confident men and women risked life and limb to
make discoveries and contributions that have benefited all of us over the
course of time. Why, the sacrifices that these brave folks made should be
an example to all of us as to the dedication of man toward mankind.
I would venture to say that none of these
fearless names ever in their lifetimes had to face the onslaught of
turmoil and destruction that many of us face when we venture into the
shopping malls the day after Thanksgiving. First off, for those of you who
have never done any shopping on this date, please listen closely don’t if
you can avoid it by any means. Since most of you who read this column are
probably old enough to drive, I presume you have made it to the age where
you have the option of shopping at this time or not. Those of you, who
have done so, know that this is the worst day of the year to be in any
mall in the United States. Trust me on this; you are taking your life in
your hands.
The lines start way before dawn; zombie
people clutching coupons for various things that must be bought before the
store runs out surround the doors. The security guards are all sweating
and their cell phones and radios are just about worn out from all of the
reports flying back and forth to Mall headquarters. The toy makers
shouldn’t be allowed to advertise their new products until the stores are
fully stocked. It should be a federal crime to advertise any toy without
having an adequate supply for the stores to sell at this time of the year.
I think the average parent would cheerfully vote for capital punishment
for anyone who violates this rule. Believe me, trying to get this year’s
favorite something can lead to serious injury or even death, whichever is
worse.
Amateurs should stay at home and not go
near any store on the day after Thanksgiving. You need to build up serious
shopping time before you attempt any foray into the stores during this
dangerous period. This year parents are lined up by the thousands to
buy anything that has a Dalmatian on it. You could put spots on garbage
cans and sell them. Down the street from us, some guy spray-painted black
spots on a stack of firewood and it was sold in 10 minutes flat. Kids
hanging out the car windows yelling, "Stop Daddy, Dalmatian
wood.." I had a bunch of bags stuffed with leaves that I had wanted
to take to the dump. I just sprayed some dots on them and left them in
front of the house. Poof, overnight they were stolen. Another hot
item this year is something made by Sony called a Playstation or whatever.
Here it is a full month before Christmas and the stores have sold all of
these in the first five hours or so. Ads are starting to appear in the
classified sections of the paper offering to sell a unit for 5 or 6 times
the store prices. I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t start to see a rash
of Playstation highjackings and robberies.
If I were you I’d be extremely careful
carrying my Toys R’ Us packages into dark places, like Central Park or
some deserted warehouse area. Toy muggings are at an all time high this
year. Truth to tell some of these crimes are probably carried out by
distraught parents who can’t find the item for sale at any store in town.
Parents are driven to desperation in a vain attempt to please their little
ones. I began to suspect that this trend was taking place when I read
about a lady that was mugged by someone in a ski mask pushing a stroller.
"Your action figure or your life," may become the catch phrase
of the year. Take care and remember that you can reach me at www.pearyperry.com.
I won’t be at the malls. So don’t look for me there. |
