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Well,
one good thing to come out of this current political situation is it gives
folks like me something new to write about. Cranking out one of these
columns isn’t the easiest thing in the world each week. I am forever
searching for new things to discuss or comment upon and tend to get into a
panic at the end of the week when I don’t have a topic to expound on.
Sometimes it borders on obsession as the week goes by. This week, I
started on this column early and have already seen similar pieces by other
humor writers throughout the country. I guess great minds travel in small
circles or something like that. I am going ahead with mine since I started
earlier and think mine was the original story idea. Anyway, here we are
still in the throes of the election standoff. I have a suggestion that
might just solve all of our problems. Hold the Election Games!!!!!.
What I see here is the possible combination
of Olympics and the "Millionaire Show". This seems to an equal
and fair way to determine the outcome of who our next president should be.
Since both candidates are joggers we could incorporate a mini-marathon.
The winner gets so many points toward the final count total. I mean, look
at the possibilities here. We could set this up so that maybe 1/3 of the
total is derived from some physical activity, 1/3 from mental questions
and the final 1/3 on some sort of question and answer session like they do
on the" Miss America" pageants. The television networks would
love this. We could put it on pay per view and give part of the money back
to the political parties. Imagine having a bowling match between Bush and
Gore. Americans identify with bowling and if one of them wants to be the
President, which one can bowl the better game?
How about having bating practice and
determining who can hit the fastest pitch or who can knock a few homers
out of the park. Boxing would be a natural. Gore probably has the weight
and reach, but Bush might come out better on speed, since he seems to be
wirier. What’s not to love about this idea? Man, this could change
the whole way we elect politicians. As I said, a number of points would
also be determined through a series of examinations such as we see on
these quiz shows that are currently on the boob tube. Now, this would
allow us to get into the very core of these two men.
We could establish categories such as
entertainment or household repair. Imagine what would happen if you asked
Gore how to rewire a three way light socket, or change a set of faucet
washers. Or, what if you asked Bush who was the lead singer for "The
Backstreet Boys" or what exactly is a "Limp Bizkit?"
Maybe ask each of them to recite the words to some old songs
like. "Shine on Harvest Moon" as well as some new song put out by
one of the current rapper groups. This would help show us who we can
identify with in the White House. Maybe a talent contest could be thrown
in here for good measure. Let’s see who can sing the best. Let’s not
forget the vice- presidential candidates. If, by chance the results
of the presidential games don’t come to a clear conclusion, then we could
use the vice-presidential candidates in something like a wresting match.
Liebermann the Terrible versus Mad Man Chaney or something equally silly.
I think it’s safe to say that we could throw out the swimsuit competition.
As much as we’ve seen already, I don’t think any of us would be prepared
for this. American politics, only in America. History in the
making. Write to me at www.pearyperry.com
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