|
 In
my never-ending struggle to treat this column as an exercise of public
awareness, I have decided to spend this week explaining a concept I think we are
all vitally interested. I know you are sitting on the edge of your seats
wondering what I could possible discuss that has common, universal appeal to
almost everyone. Well, it’s simply this?. money.
Yes, money, that precious commodity
that we spend 20 years of our lives learning about. The next 40 or 50 years
trying to obtain. The remainder of our lives trying to figure out how much
longer we have to live and will we have enough cash to get us through to the
last day. I asked a friend of mine what his greatest wish was and he told me
?"To have my life and my money run out on the same day." As I said
before, I am here to help. As is often my habit, I read the papers from cover to
cover in search of news and for something to write about. From time to time, I
look at the classified ads and read them in hopes I’ll find one that reads like
this?" Dying Billionaire needs trustee to handle estate? no experience
necessary. Balding men only, over the age of 57 need apply. Must have written
weekly column for a number of newspapers." However, I have yet to find one
that says exactly this, or is even close, but I keep on looking, just in
case.
Anyway, here I am in today’s paper
looking at the business opportunity section and hoping to find something that I
could do in my spare time that will make me a multi-millionaire within a short
period of time, say 3 or 4 months. I immediately rule out the vending machine
ads, which are all really a come on and don’t suit my criteria. These ads
generally start off with something like?” No selling, no work, established
routes, just collect your money? Small investment necessary." I’ve called
those folks and it turns out that the machines they were talking about have just
been sold and guess what? Yep, they can put me into my very own 35 machines for
just $40,000 and once I’ve bought these things, then they’ll help me secure some
super locations for them. Of course, if the locations don’t produce any money,
like having a candy machine in a weight loss clinic, then too bad, you still
have to pay the 40 grand? sorry. Here’s one that sounds interesting?” Trade Pain
for Money." Scares me to think about this one. What do you suppose that’s
all about?
Another winner?” Great part time
opportunity, no selling, your own hours, no investment." Then why do they
want me to call them? Just go down to the local unemployment office and pick up
the first 25 or 30 folks that walk out the door. I’m sure they want a great
paying job that requires no selling, no work and no money investment. Sounds too
good to be true, so it probably is. No, the two that really get my interest and
should yours as well are these. "Grow worms and make $1,000’s per
week." The other one reads? “Grow worms and make $1,000’s per month".
Well, no dummy me, I call on the one that says I can make big bucks every week.
I mean worms are worms right? There isn’t any expiration date on worms that I
know of and worms don’t get better the older they are, like wine. I circle the
number and wait a few days. This is based on previous experience that the real
scams have their phones shut off about 5 days after the ads come out in the
paper.
After
a week or so goes by, I call the 24-hour, toll free hot line number. I think
it’s something like 1-800-Be-A-Worm. Anyway, I get a recorded message telling me
that this is my lucky day. I have finally taken the first step towards insuring
my financial freedom. "Worm growing is at an all time high. This is a
little known growth industry poised to reward those entrepreneurs willing to
test the waters of Worm Ranching. Leave your name and number and a package of
information will be sent to you. No agent will call. " Well, I couldn’t
resist. So, I get this big package of stuff in the mail a few weeks later
telling me about the thousands of folks, just like me all over the country that
have made a fortune in worming. "For only $49.95 (tax included) I can set
myself up in the lucrative business of worm ranching." I call the toll free
number again and ask what I get for my 49 bucks.
The nice lady explains that I get
all the tools necessary to start me on the road to being a successful worm
rancher. Worm rancher sounds better than worm farmer, don’t you think? Anyway,
she goes on? "Your starter kit consists of 5 pounds of special worm growth
material, complete with a worm house, a instruction manual, and of course a pair
of African exotic breeding worms." When I told her that I thought worms
were asexual and were both male and female, she kind of paused and said?
"Well, that’s right so what you get for your money is actually 2 males and
2 females." Oh, well then, that makes a difference. "So, I guess all I
have to do is to turn these little critters loose in the special worm soil and
set their little worm house on top and soon we’ll have little baby worms all
over the place?" "Yes, that’s about all there is to it" she
replied. The thought of owning my own worm ranch was just too much, so I gave
her my Visa number and waited? When they arrived, I set them up in the backyard
just as the instructions said to do. Unfortunately these must have been wild
worms, not tame ones since they escaped some 2 or 3 nights later. I’ll let you
know if I ever find them. I feel kind of funny posting a sign in the
neighborhood asking for anyone who finds a pair of exotic breeding worms to
please call. So much for fast bucks. If you have any idea of where my worms are?
e-mail me at www.pearyperry.com. No
reward. |
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