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  About
this time of the year, we start to see tributes to various professions in the
media. You know, we hear about the sacrifices that firemen, nurses and
restaurant people make who have to work on the holidays while the rest of us are
off. Usually. we’ll see a picture of some nurses and doctors in an emergency
room somewhere, wearing red Santa hats and delivering the first baby of the New
Year. Or, maybe they’ll have a couple of pictures of some tired and worn out
firemen who are exhausted after putting out another blaze caused by defective
tree lights. Well, in the interest of variety, this year I’d like to spotlight
a profession that is very active this time of the year and yet never, ever gets
any sort of recognition. I’m certain the people who slave in this job day
after day would appreciate it if someone would take notice of them and kind of
bring their difficult job to the attention of everyone. I’m talking about the
people who work the “return” counter at your local department stores. Yes,
it may surprise you to learn that these people are not, are not I say, just your
average store clerks pressed into a difficult position. No, sir. These are
highly trained men and women who have put in long hours learning the correct and
proper procedures for handling gifts that are unwanted or those which are the
incorrect size. Why, I would bet that most of you do not even realize that the
National Training Center for Refund Agents is located at the former Fort Valor,
near Kumquat, Alabama. In August of each year most of the major chain stores
start sending their top sales clerks to Fort Valor for a rigorous 3 week
training period so they will be prepared to handle the onrush of items which
always appear the week after Christmas. Bear in mind that the training program
is administered by former high school English teachers as well as some former
Green Berets and retired Water Department employees. After many hours of
research, the administration felt that men and women with this type of
experience could handle just about any complaint of any kind. The training
course consists of ways to handle just about any type of complaint. If the
cadets pass this course successfully, then they are now referred to as
‘agents’ rather than the lowly title of store clerk. The training given
allows the recruit to handle such things as, the popular…”This doesn’t fit
correctly.” The standard answer for this complaint is…”Is it too large or
too small?” In either case, once the answer is given, the response is…”You
probably need to lose some pounds or maybe they were waiting for you to fatten
up….Next?” The object and mission of the complaint department is to listen
to the complaint, but not act upon it. Give an answer, and move the customer out
of the store as quickly as possible. The cardinal sin is to actually take
something back in exchange for another item or, perish the thought, give the
customer their money back. The school teaches the agent how to handle complaints
concerning items that somehow…’just don’t work’. A typical response
might go like this (customer)…”This toy doesn’t work.” …(agent)
“What did you do to it?” (Customer) …”Why, nothing, I put it together
and it still won’t operate properly.” …(agent)…”Did you follow the
instructions?” Now, this question
is the death knell to the majority of all customer complaints regarding devices,
which require assembly. Surveys have shown that Americans assemble over 76% of
products without first looking at the instructions. The failure rate approaches
45% in most items which have over 4 parts to them. This contrasts with China
where over 99% of the products were assembled properly the first time. Of
course, these figures may be off, since there are usually only 8 or 10 items
assembled in the whole country of China each year. Anyway, once this question is
asked and the customer is given a long, hard stare (taught in week #2 at the
school) he or she usually turns on their heel and walks briskly out of the
store, never to return. It is an unusual day indeed when someone will stand up
proudly and speak in a loud tone of voice and proclaims…”Yes, I followed the
instructions letter by letter and the thing still doesn’t work, I want my
money back.” At this time the
agent is required to call in a supervisor, usually a retired government worker,
who can stonewall anyone but another former government worker. At this level of
the game, the decision as to whether or not the customer leaves or gets their
money back often hinges on the answer to the final failsafe question. This
question is to be administered only by an experienced agent with seniority over
all other complaint agents. Careers have been made and lost on how this question
was asked and answered. The policy manual states that if all else fails the
senior complaint agent is to look the customer straight in the eye and without
blinking say softly. "May I see your receipt?” Anyone who has ever gotten a gift knows that unless you
bought the gift for yourself, you don’t have, nor will you ever have the
receipt for its purchase. You don’t want to ask the giver where the receipt
is, and you are too embarrassed to tell them that you hate the sweater because
it’s too small and the worst color in the world. So, you slink out of the
store and wear the cursed thing every time Aunt Minnie comes to visit. She’ll
think you like it so well, she’ll buy another one just like it next year. Then
you’ll have 2. Have a great Christmas. E-mail goes to www.pearyperry.com.
Bad stuff goes to your trash can.
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