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I was reading one of those books the other day that start out with….”You might be a redneck if….” This
one said …”you might be a redneck if someone in your family died just after they yelled…”Hey, y’all
watch this!.” Well, I can certainly identify with that statement. I have probably been the closest to dying or
at least getting seriously hurt by doing stuff that (1) I didn’t need to do and (2) that I hadn’t thought out real
good. Now, all of this occurs to me yesterday. Our youngest son is graduating from college and we decided
to have a reception for him here at the house. For the last one that graduated, we did a sit down dinner and
it just doesn’t work as well as having a buffet set up and letting folks mill around and visit. Anyway, I had
this big banner made up with the name of his college, his name and other stuff. I decided to hang it in the
trees by the driveway so people could see it when they arrived at the house. Although I have a long ladder,
I hate dragging it out from the garage and fooling with it if I don’t have to. So, I decide the best way to get
the string up in the tree to hold the banner would be to tie the string onto a rock and throw it over a limb
and then hoist the banner. Seems like a plan to me. Of course, what I failed to take into account was the
concept that the rock would swing back to me rather quickly. So about the time I toss the rock tied to the
string over the limb, one of my neighbors yells at me for some reason or another and I forget what I just
described. The rock (about 4 pounds) swings past my ear and just misses me by a ½ inch or so. You’d think
I’d learn. Read on for the reason…. Years ago, I had a company that needed backup power for some of our
equipment. Since industrial batteries last longer if you use them from time to time, I located a old World
War II radar scope that came off of a ship that was being cut up for scrap. I arranged to put it on the top of
our building and the batteries would power it, which could then be trickle charged. In order to get the radar
onto the top of the building, we needed a crane. Since it was a big deal, I convinced the crane operator to let
me ride the radar to the top of the building (about 75 feet) and put it into position once we got onto the roof.
So far, so good. Everyone is in position, I get on top of the unit, the crane operator tells me to hold on and
we start up. Once we cleared the ground I was in trouble. First off the unit wasn’t equally balanced so one
side tilted with me on top, leaning at a crazy angle. Second problem was the thing started spinning rather
rapidly with me on top leaning at the same crazy angle. In order to look cool I had worn a solid white
leisure suit. I failed to take into account that crane cables are covered in grease. So, when I surrounded the
cable with my entire body, holding on for dear life, I had this neat black line running from the top of my
head to the bottom of my feet. Once I go on top and got the unit in place I ran back to the edge of the
building to show everyone that I was all right and try to recover any lost points for having appeared totally
petrified. Thinking that I was cool and Mr. Macho Man is where I nearly bought the farm. Next time you
see one of those big cranes, look at where the hook is. You’ll see a large steel ball that is used to weight the
cable down. Naturally when the crane operator swings the cable back into place the large steel ball goes
with it. I never saw it, just felt it brush my right ear. I can assure you, it didn’t weigh 4 pounds like the rock
from yesterday. If it had connected with my head, this column would not be written. So much for being
cool. Dumb, not cool. Last week must have been the week for dumb ideas or perhaps it was something I ate
that affected my reasoning. Earlier in the week, I had thrown away a heavy crystal glass since it was
cracked. I dropped it into the trash in my office upstairs. Later in the day, I am headed out the door
downstairs and my wife yells at me to take this bag of trash out to the can. Well, she tosses the bag from the
top of the stairs, old Mr. Smarts here, decides to be cute and treat the plastic bag like a soccer ball and
bounce it off my head. As you can imagine, I had forgot about the glass. Well, you know what happened.
This goblet nearly knocked me out. I had a knot on my head the rest of the day. My wife was torn between
crying and laughing so hard she couldn’t get her breath for a few minutes. I must have a death wish or
something for my head. This is not good. If you will recall a few months ago I wrote an article about my
riding an office chair down the hill from our house. It was called office chair luge or something like that.
While it may have been humorous at the time, it isn’t beyond reason to think that I could have been killed
or worse…..Whatever. Anyway, the party was a huge success, I’m proud of him. He gets a diploma and I
get a receipt. Way to go. As usual send your jokes, suggestions and directions to your house to pickup a
check to me at www.pearyperry.com. Equally as usual send your negative thoughts and snide remarks to
your in-laws, they’ll appreciate your humor more than I will. |
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