“In the old days”

How many times did we hear that from our parents and grandparents?

More times than I can count.

But you know, I can recall working with a land line telephone (that’s one attached to the wall by a wire) and a pager (small compact device that gave you a message or a number to call) as with a Selectric typewriter (a machine used for typing of letters to be mailed).

Oh, yes…’mailed’ that was the practice of using a letter, a stamp and an envelope to send some form of communication across the country or around the world physically by hand, not electronically.

In spite of these antiquated methods, we still managed to make a living, build businesses and survive in a pre-electronic prehistorical world for many years. And thought we were happy while we were doing it.

Ah, but little did we know that our world was about to change did we?

No, first we got cell phones, then we got the internet and then?

We got spam.

No, not the kind you eat or some of us ate or perhaps some of us still do. By the way, have you ever looked at what that stuff is actually made out of? Do so at your own peril. It’s like looking at the labels for Vienna sausages (they are not really from Vienna) or potted meat….where does ‘potted’ meat come from anyway? It’s a wonder those of us who actually ate these things are still alive.

Now, back to spam.

The computer, and the internet were billed to us as ‘major’ labor saving devices. They were supposed to make our lives easier, more relaxed, more time for fun and family.


Now we carry around a small device that owns us. We deem it a tragedy if we leave home without it. We are somehow cut off from the world and we could be lost forever. It has become a worldwide obsession. You see clips of folks living in the darkest, poorest parts of the world. Barely have clothes on their backs and look as if they have not eaten in a week and there, they are with a cell phone stuck to their ear. No electricity in their village or town, but by God they will have the internet and can call anywhere in the world with the touch of a few buttons.

So here we are in the 21st century with all of these modern tools at our fingertips and what do we get?

Lifesaving news about eliminating some dreaded disease?


Agreements between countries to stop the wars?


No, we are sent these little unwanted blips on how to lose 24 lbs. overnight or 50 lbs. in one week. If I lost 24 lbs. overnight ….I would cease to exist after a week or so….maybe a little longer than that.

Are your ears ringing? Click here.

Are your bowels emptying properly each morning? See this.

How about restoring your vision to 20/20 just by just using a spoon? Try this.

And my favorite.

We want to help you with your expired car warranty.

Of course, not all of these are in the form of email spam, a lot of them are calls made to our cell phones, aren’t they?

So try and use your imagination and have a little fun with these.

The car warranty is one of my favorites, since I tell them that I have a five year old BMW with 300,000 miles on it and it is starting to make these weird clacking/gonging noises and I really need that warranty today. Can I get it right now? They hang up very quickly.

When I get the call from the United Supreme Police Officers Association of the World, I tell them to come on over to my residence at the Happy Valley Nursing Home and pick up the check. And oh, by the way you guys didn’t stop by the last time and get the one I wrote for $100,000. I  left it at the front desk for you. I still have checks in my checkbook so I must still have money, right? Click, they are gone as well.

But the best one is when I answer an unknown caller with “ Caller number three, you’re on the air…tell us about your wildest sexual experience.”

All you hear is someone sucking the air out of the room and then click.

Works every time.

See you next week.

Go to Letters From North America on Facebook and sign up…..thanks